Most of us have worked with someone who seems determined to ruin our day. Every day. The client who wants a quick chat when you’ve got a minute, and then takes up 45 of them. The manager who wants you to make the presentation more (insert vague adjective here). The colleague who constantly interrupts during meetings.
Difficult colleagues are part of working life. They drain our energy, unsettle us, and sometimes make us dread turning up at all. What makes it worse is the sense of injustice: Why should I have to put up with this? Why can’t they just behave like reasonable adults?
The truth is simple, though not easy: we can’t change other people. But we can change the way we respond to them. And that’s where Stoicism – an ancient philosophy with surprising modern relevance – can help restore workplace calm.
Why difficult colleagues get to us
It’s tempting to say the problem is just “them”. If only they were different, everything would be fine. But they’re not different, so it’s not fine, is it? It can provide a moment of relief to remind ourselves that this is all someone else’s fault. But that doesn’t actually solve the problem.
And this problem can be solved, one way or the other.
Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor and philosopher, wrote:
“It is not external things that trouble you, but your judgements about them.”
That’s a challenging thought when you’re grinding your teeth at someone else’s behaviour. But look closely, and it makes sense.
Toxic colleagues get under our skin because:
- We take it personally. A sharp remark feels like an attack on our worth.
- We expect fairness. When someone cuts corners or gets away with bad behaviour, we can’t bear it.
- We waste energy wishing they’d change – energy that could be used more productively elsewhere.
The trouble isn’t the raw behaviour itself, but the judgements we add: They shouldn’t be like this. It’s unbearable. I can’t do my job because of them. Those judgements make our suffering worse.
The Stoic perspective
Marcus Aurelius began one of his morning reflections with a bracing reminder to himself:
“Today I shall meet with people who are meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they cannot tell good from evil.”
Not the most upbeat way to start the day, perhaps. But notice what he’s doing; he isn’t indulging in bitterness. He’s bracing for reality. He knows that other people will behave badly because they don’t see things as clearly as they might. And crucially, he’s reminding himself that he still has a choice about how to respond.
From a Stoic point of view, seeing people as misguided rather than malicious makes a huge difference. If a colleague’s arrogance or nitpicking comes from ignorance, habit, or insecurity, why should you give them control over your workplace calm?
Practical strategies for dealing with difficult colleagues
Theory is one thing, but how do we actually apply it at work, in the moment, when someone is being a nightmare? Here are some Stoic-inspired strategies you can practise.
1. Clarify what’s in your control
Epictetus, another Stoic teacher, drew a clear line: some things are up to us, and some things are not. Other people’s behaviour is firmly in the “not up to us” column. Our own actions and choices belong in the “up to us” side.
When you remind yourself of this, you take your energy back. You stop burning it on trying to change someone else’s personality and start using it to decide your own best response. This is the foundation of true workplace resilience.
2. Reframe the challenge as training
A Stoic loves training. Marcus Aurelius often described obstacles as opportunities to practise a virtue: patience, courage, fairness, clarity. The difficult colleague can be your coach. Without even choosing to be! You are winning at life!
Excuse me, sorry. Let’s try again: their behaviour is the resistance that strengthens your composure.
Next time someone undermines you in a meeting, ask: Is this a chance to practise calm clarity rather than defensiveness? When someone nitpicks, can it be a chance to practise patience without resentment? This shift in perspective doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, but it does stop you from being dominated by it.
3. Pause before reacting
The first flash of irritation – the propatheia, as the Stoics called it – is involuntary. But what you do next is your choice. A single pause can break the chain. Ask yourself: Is this in my control? Is my immediate reaction going to help, or make things worse? That gap gives you space to choose a better response.
4. Set boundaries calmly
Stoicism isn’t passivity. It doesn’t mean letting others walk over you. It does mean setting boundaries without hostility. You can say, “I need to finish my point before you jump in,” or “I’d appreciate if feedback came privately rather than in front of the team,” without anger. Calm assertiveness is often more effective than confrontation in managing conflict at work.
5. Keep the bigger picture in mind
The “view from above” exercise asks you to imagine your life from a wider perspective. Will this irritation still matter a year from now? Or even a month? Seeing things in scale shrinks them back down to size.
Why it matters for your career
Handling difficult colleagues isn’t just about self-preservation; it also has real implications for your career.
- People notice how you react under pressure. Staying composed when others lose their cool makes you look like leadership material.
- Difficult colleagues are constant in any workplace. If you can’t deal with them here, you’ll only meet them again in the next role.
- Your reputation is built less on how you perform when everything goes smoothly, and more on how you handle setbacks, obstacles, and conflict at work.
In other words: learning to stay calm around toxic colleagues isn’t just about survival. It’s a career advantage.
Conclusion
You can’t avoid difficult colleagues, but you can avoid being ruled by them. The Stoics remind us that our peace of mind doesn’t have to be handed over to someone else’s moods, arrogance, or insecurity.
And, just to repeat: “It is not external things that trouble you, but your judgements about them.”
So the next time a colleague pushes your buttons, try this: pause, remind yourself what’s in your control, and choose a response that serves your values rather than your frustration. You may not change them – but you’ll change your own experience.
And in the long run, that matters far more.
If you’re finding work relationships draining, or you want to develop the kind of calm workplace resilience that difficult colleagues can’t shake, coaching can help. At Shewbridge Coaching, I help people apply timeless principles like Stoicism to modern career challenges – from handling tricky colleagues to navigating interviews and career transitions.
Get in touch to explore how we can work together.